Movie Review: Water for Elephants

Look! A movie review! See, I *am* serious about this blog business after all! Anyways:

Oh, by the way, SPOILERS ABOUND, as they will in all my reviews.

I went into this movie of two minds. On the one hand: a Lovey Dovey Love Story with Robert "Sparkles" Pattinson and Renee "Bizarre Chin" Zellwegger? Ew. On the other hand: Christoph Waltz the Mad Ringmaster? Actual animals instead of CGI? Thirties costumes? Um, yes please.

So our story begins with an old man at a circus reminiscing about the dramatic ol' days, and we cut to flashback. Now let me just say right off the bat that even in flashback this film is friggin' gorgeous. Everything is shot beautifully, and the sets and costumes are exquisite. Seriously, this is just a great movie to look at.

But back to our plot: our hero, young Jacob (Pattinson) is informed of his parent's deaths midway through his vet school final by the possibly the least considerate school officials of all time. Understandably shaken, he runs out of the exam room, only to learn his parents had also lost all their money in the recent Depression. With nowhere to go, Jacob hops a train which, lo and behold, is the Benzini Brothers' circus train. After a brief scuffle, he is taken on as the show's vet by the owner/ringmaster August (Waltz), and is drawn to August's wife, the lovely Marlena (Zellwegger). Needless to say, antics ensue.

Now, the plot is silly (with certain elements, such as Marlena's backstory, changed from the book to make them even sillier), but this is a circus movie, so that is to be expected. The side characters are amusing and interesting, and the animals are great. As mentioned, the visuals are lovely. The concern lies with our power trio.

First, Pattinson: I'll hand it to ol' Sparkles, he tries. I know emoting is hard for him, but he gives an honest effort, looks kinda cute, and it's not his fault he has far more chemistry with the elephant than with his love interest (more on that later). His character can be frustratingly naive (such as when he wanders around the circus without so much as a hat when he knows he is there to do something that will annoy the man who already wants to kill him) but that's the nature of the script. A fine, if bland, job.

Second, Waltz: This man is quite simply fun to watch. In another villain role after his unforgettable Nazi in Inglorious Basterds, he is all over the place as the rather complex, schizophrenic August, at turns charming, scary, and sad. Also, he tries a bit of an American accent, which is pretty cool. Along with the elephant, he's the best thing here. Which brings us to . . .

Third, Zellwegger: Ugh. I'm sorry, but I do not like this character. She strings Jacob along while trying to pacify August, like Jacob she Fails Stealthiness Forever, her chin is weird, and worst of all she is part of a Shallow Love Story.

You know the type- two attractive people fall in love for no discernible reason. In this case, she appears to be using Jacob as a way out of a difficult situation, while he loves her because . . . she's pretty and she's there? Are men really that shallow? I'm sorry, movie, I just don't buy it. Especially since our two mains have the least chemistry this side of Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightley in Pirates.

Anyways, the movie wraps up in an ending that many found predictable, but that frankly surprised my group. SPOILER ALERT: after August is killed in a circus stampede, Jacob and Marlena ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. Frankly, those of us who hadn't read the book were expecting a tragedy, preferably involving Marlena being eaten by leopards. If you're interested, here are our two alternate endings:

1. Marlena is killed in the stampede. Jacob goes on to lead a happy and full life, eventually aging into Old Man at Circus, but never forgets his first love and that one summer with the circus.

2. During the stampede scene, we cut back to the old man. Speaking of Jacob and Marlena he says, "Such a lovely young couple, what a pity I killed them." In a twist ending, he is not Pattinson, but Waltz, possibly after getting psychiatric help, reforming, and regretting that one cruel summer with the circus.

Which is you favorite? Anyways, this was a fine movie and I enjoyed it, but it could have been so much more.